Ministry Leadership Is Lonely… But It Doesn’t Have to Be

Though reports indicate a growing phenomenon, loneliness isn’t a new thing.

Images of a person sitting alone cocooned in a blanket while eating Chinese takeout and watching reruns of Friends certainly come to mind. But, that’s only one kind of loneliness.

There is another kind of loneliness that often goes unnoticed–leadership loneliness.

And if you’re in ministry, you have probably experienced this first-hand.

You can be surrounded by hundreds—or even thousands—of people every week and still feel profoundly alone.

Why is this?

Ironically, as the number of relationships a person has increases, it often decreases the number of relationships where you can be completely honest. Weird, right?!

In other words…
The more people who look to you, the fewer people you feel safe looking to.
The more people you are called to care for, the fewer people you are comfortable going to for care.
And so the cycle (even if not true) continues to intensify.

As leaders spend their days carrying other people’s burdens, they quietly wonder who is carrying theirs.

“Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2, NLT)

As a pastor, I think I’m pretty good at helping others obey that verse… but honestly, I’m kind of crummy at letting people use their “burden carrying” to help me. “After all, it’s my job to help, right?”

Let Me Explore Further

Most people don’t realize how many difficult parts of ministry pastors simply can’t talk about.

Sometimes you have to release a staff member or let a volunteer go… and you know exactly why. BUT, because you love them—and because integrity matters—you can’t defend yourself publicly. Instead you are called to suck it up and embrace the recurring pain of leadership by taking some unwarranted blows.

Meanwhile, others can tell their version of the story to whoever will listen. Punch to the gut.

You stay silent.

They speak up–loudly–about their version of events, unanswered. Right hook to the ribs.

You stay silent.

They enjoy the punching bag in front of them, even using your silence against you. Blow to the face.

That’s lonely. And it hurts, by the way (lol).

Or maybe someone asks, “How can I pray for you?”

Pastors, you KNOW why we hesitate to answer this question freely.

Not because we don’t have struggles, but because we’ve learned that sometimes a pastor’s prayer request learns how to walk… it mysteriously grows legs, leaves the room, and comes back three weeks later dressed like a clown.

Oh how quickly can, “Please pray for me,” become, “Did you hear what Pastor is dealing with?”

It’s funny (a little)…until it’s happened to you.

Because my own vulnerability has bit me on the backside one too many times, I sometimes decide it’s easier to carry the weight than risk the pain.

Therein lies the problem…
A burden, by definition, is simply weight that is too heavy for one person.

Moses needed Aaron and Hur.
Paul needed Barnabas, Timothy, Luke, and others.
And though He certainly didn’t need them, Jesus models the same thing when he invited Peter, James, and John into His hardest moments.

If they desired help carrying the burden, why would ministry leaders think they don’t?

The Unsung Hero of Ministry

There has been one person God has consistently used to help me fight ministry loneliness…
My wife, Melissa.

I know it’s possible through the Holy Spirit, but I struggle to figure out how a single pastor could pull it off long-term, especially in the lead pastor role. I honestly don’t think we talk enough about the significant role a godly spouse plays in sustaining long-term ministry! The Apostle Paul must have been a rock star!

She isn’t just my biggest cheerleader… She is my closest ministry partner.
Second only to the Holy Spirit, my wife is my secret weapon – the unsung hero of ministry in my life and leadership.

While the church that I pastor hired me for the job, it cannot be overstated how important Melissa is to the sustainability of my ministry.

Now, before you judge me (while I am being vulnerable, haha) and claim that the Holy Spirit should be enough for me if I was truly called to represent God in this role… I want to challenge your thinking for a moment with a powerful realization of HOW the Holy Spirit works in my life.

Think about this…

I’ve often wondered if God designed marriage in such a way that a godly spouse reflects and supports, in a human way, some of the ministry of the Holy Spirit.

No, I’m not saying that our spouses are the Holy Spirit. Not even close!

But, maybe… just maybe… my wife becomes one of the ways the Holy Spirit speaks into my life.

Think about the parallels.

1. The Holy Spirit Convicts Us… and Sometimes So Does Our Wife

Jesus said, ever so plainly, that the Holy Spirit would convict the world of its sin.

Sometimes this happens through Scripture.
Sometimes this happens through prayer.

But often times? Often times it comes from the one person who knows me well enough to lovingly say, “I don’t think that response sounded like Jesus.” Ouch.

My wife has saved me from more bad emails than I care to admit… there are messages I’ve typed that will never leave the “Draft” folder because of her spoken wisdom.

She has this incredible spiritual gift of saying, “Maybe sleep on that one.”

She is the most discerning person that I know… and she’s almost always right. Other than the day she promised to spend the rest of her life with me, she typically makes really wise decisions. 😉

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” (Proverbs 27:5, NLT)

2. The Holy Spirit Counsels Us… and Our Wife Often Brings Wisdom We Can’t See

There are seasons in ministry where the weight seems unbearable. And when you’re trying to sustain this kind of weighty leadership, it’s easy to develop tunnel vision.

Every problem feels enormous.
Every criticism feels personal.
Every decision feels permanent.
Every evening feels unsleepable – as if rest would be irresponsible given the circumstance.

Then your spouse calmly asks one question that somehow cuts through the fog of confusion…
“Have you considered…”

It’s almost annoying how often Melissa is right.
I’m sure she finds it equally annoying how often I still do things my way…

And this wisdom always seems to come after a prayer where I’ve asked the Holy Spirit to guide me. Guess what? The Holy Spirit’s voice often sounds just like my wife’s.

God designed marriage so that two perspectives become stronger than one.

“Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success.” (Proverbs 15:22, NLT)

3. The Holy Spirit Comforts Us… and So Does a Faithful Wife

This should go without saying, but… Ministry hurts.
People leave.
Criticism stings.
Broken people do broken-people things.
Vision takes longer than you hoped.

Sometimes I don’t need another leadership podcast… I need someone who feels comfortable looking me in the eyes to remind me that my identity isn’t in attendance, giving, baptisms, or staff size.

It’s in Christ.

The Holy Spirit is called our Comforter.
But more often than I can count, my wife’s arms are the physical representation of that comfort – like a soft, down-filled blanket on a cold night.

More times than I can count, God has used Melissa to remind me of that truth when ego or pain keeps me from seeing it myself.

“God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, NLT)

4. The Holy Spirit Intercedes for Us… and Sometimes Your Wife Is the One Praying When You Can’t

Romans tells us there are moments when we don’t even know how to pray. I think Paul might have been reading my diary…

I have confessed before how much I admire people with the spiritual gift of prayer. You know… these people who pray long and pray easily. While I certainly understand the importance of prayer (nothing of eternal significance ever happens apart from it), sometimes a hurting and tired heart has a more difficult time knowing what to say. Sometimes I’m even too mad to want to say it!

Here’s a beautiful truth… In these painful moments, the Spirit intercedes for us.
And… So does a godly wife!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve received texts during a difficult day from my wife saying, “I’ve been praying for you all day.”

She knows better than anyone the load I’m carrying, sometimes before I’ve even said a word.

There are seasons when her prayers have carried me because I, simply put, didn’t have anything left in the tank.

What an incredible gift.

“The Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.” (Romans 8:26, NLT)

5. The Holy Spirit Confirms Our Calling… but Our Spouse Often Anchors Us to It

There are many days in ministry when every pastor wonders, “Am I really called to this? Qualified for this? Any good at this?“

Discouragement whispers, “Nope.”
Comparison screams, “Not like that other pastor.”
Fatigue says, “Maybe if you were stronger.”

Sometimes the pain itself makes a pastor just want to throw in the towel. “Why submit to this pain and loneliness any longer?”

And then your wife quietly reminds you of who God uniquely called you to be.

She reminds you what God has done.
She reminds you about the victories you’ve forgotten.
She reminds you of your calling when all you can see are the little devils nipping at your heels.

Melissa’s belief in my calling has anchored me to the Holy Spirit’s calling.

Not because she’s my source of calling… she is not. God is.

But the Holy Spirit often uses her precious voice to remind me of His.

If You’re Feeling Lonely…

If you’re a pastor or ministry leader who feels lonely today, listen up…

First, you’re not strange.
You’re not weak.
You’re not failing.

Leadership carries a unique weight.

Second, don’t carry that weight by yourself.

The Holy Spirit has never abandoned you.
He is your Counselor and your Comforter – completely irreplaceable.
He is your Advocate.

But I am convinced that the blessing of a godly spouse is – with the exception of salvation – the greatest gift that God gives us to mirror the Holy Spirit’s role in our ministry.

Lean into that relationship.
Protect it.
Prioritize it.
Date your spouse.
Pray together.
Laugh together.
Cry together.
[Fill-in the blank] together.

In fact, go give her a big hug and kiss right now. She deserves it and is likely feeling lonely, too.

Ministry may be lonely…
but God never intended you to carry it alone.