There are lots of “funny” versions of how dads have this conversation.
You’ve probably heard them…
The dad who casually asks which leg the boy prefers if one were going to be broken.
The dad who has the boy sign a baseball bat—no explanation given, just implied.
Or my personal favorite: the tough, silent dad who says very little… and lets the shotgun do the talking.
I have my own similar story…
The first time I met my wife’s parents, I walked into their kitchen and found my future father-in-law sitting at the table cleaning three handguns. (No joke!) He didn’t threaten me. He didn’t explain himself. He just looked up, nodded, and went back to cleaning.
Message received, right?!
We laugh at those stories—and they are funny—but underneath the humor is something very real:
Parents instinctively know that dating matters.
When they’re five years old it’s easy to joke that we’ll never let them out of the house, but that promise is unfortunately hard to keep.
So, what then?
Why This Conversation Matters More Than Ever
Dating isn’t casual. It’s formative.
It shapes expectations, habits, boundaries, and futures.
In biblical times, marriage often happened much earlier—sometimes in the mid-teens. Today, our culture expects young people to wait far longer before marriage, while at the same time being surrounded by unprecedented sexual pressure, stimulation, and temptation.
Add to that:
- Earlier puberty
- Stronger hormones
- Ubiquitous screens
- A dating culture with very few guardrails
And the result is, well… predictable.
Without clearly expressed expectations and firm boundaries, our kids are being set up to fail. It’s a tale as old as time.
Not because they’re bad—but because they are, like their parents, human.
So instead of jokes, intimidation, or vague warnings, I’ve chosen a different approach: clarity, intentionality, and accountability.
Failure to plan is planning to fail.
Whichever approach you take, you must be intentional!
Because many have asked for me to share my approach, I have laid out below what I do when a young man expresses an interest in dating one of my girls. Whether you have sons or daughters, I hope my words below might serve as a framework for your own intentionality. So here goes…
This is the conversation I have with any boy who wants to date one of my daughters.
The Initial Conversation:
Questions I Ask
First, I want the young man to ask for my blessing. He probably won’t know this expectation at first, and that’s okay… my girls, if there’s any mutual interest, will direct him my way.
NOTE: This is a great way to filter out boys who don’t have enough genuine interest, resolve, or character to go into a dating relationship with boundaries. If he isn’t willing to ask me, or is too timid, he’s not made out the stuff that leading my daughters will require. This requirement alone will do some excellent filtering.
Once he asks to meet, I make room in my schedule to find a time and place for us to sit down mano-a-mano. This meeting doesn’t need to be long… plan for 45 minutes to an hour. Put the guns and bats away and do something like this…
Before we ever talk about rules, I give him the floor to ask the initial hard question:
Q: What is it you wanted to meet about?
I already know the answer, but it’s fun to make him squirm a bit… The answer may seem obvious, but clarity matters. Dating should never begin with assumptions. Once he gets the words out we can move on.
This initial question, and the ones that follow, help set expectations and reveal character.
Before I move on, I say something along the lines of, “It says a lot about you and your character that you had the courage to come over here and talk to me. I’m proud of you for doing that.”
Q: Tell me about yourself.
I’m listening for humility, self-awareness, responsibility, and maturity—not perfection. While I wish there was a perfect boy out there for each of my girls, he doesn’t exist.
Q: What are your intentions and reasons for wanting to date my daughter?
I’m hoping he gets this answer right on his own. Either way, I make sure to speak some truth into his perspective. He needs to be in alignment with the purpose of dating, and this question will help to test that alignment.
You see, dating is not just something to do because it’s fun or because everyone else is doing it.
Dating has a purpose: To explore the possibility of a future spouse.
That doesn’t mean every relationship ends in marriage—but it does mean every relationship should be entered thoughtfully and intentionally. (And exited quickly when marriage is not likely.)
Q: Tell me about your relationship with Jesus. Can you share your testimony?
This question is crucial!
Why? Because if he isn’t a follower of Jesus, he can’t date my daughter who does follow Jesus. That’s not just my rule… it’s their rule, too. We’re not into missionary dating.
“Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14, NLT)
I don’t assume that he is a follower of Jesus—I ask.
I also ask:
- How are you involved in your church?
- What does discipleship currently look like in your life?
Let me repeat this… A young man must be a follower of Christ to date my daughter—and he must show an active desire to grow in his faith.
If you can’t lead yourself, you won’t be able to lead my daughter.
Q: Are you willing to protect her from harm while she is with you?
This question sets the tone for everything that follows.
I’ll say something to the effect of, “My daughter has been deeply loved and protected her entire life by both her mother and me. I’ve watched her grow into a beautiful and godly young woman.”
“It is currently my responsibility to love her, guide her, and protect her—
until the day God entrusts that responsibility to another man.”
“And let me be clear: I have no intention of having my daughter trade down.“
“If you date her, I expect you to treat her the way I treat her—and to work at becoming a man worthy of her hand, should God have greater plans in the future. She is working just as hard on her end.”
Can’t get much plainer than that!
The Expectations:
Dating Guidelines
Once the questions are done, I make sure to lay out some clear expectations before giving a blessing. Like… right there. I thank him for answering my questions and then tell him that I have some boundaries that I expect him and my daughter to honor while they are dating.
Why?
Because I care about my children.
I care about their desire to honor God.
I care about their good reputation.
I care about their purity.
And if any of the following guidelines seem unreasonable to the dude sitting across from me, that’s okay—we can save a lot of time and heartache as I show them to the door.
1) You Must Respect Parental Leadership
Until the day I give my daughter away in marriage I expect the young man to:
- Recognize my leadership in her life.
- Submit to both sets of parents.
- Maintain open communication (if I call you or text you, I expect you to be responsive).
- Be honest and pursue reconciliation if expectations are broken.
- Respect curfews and any other requirements given by parents.
2) You Must Date With Intentionality
- Seek discernment about long-term alignment. Be intentional about getting to know enough about each other that you can discern if you’re suited to help one another accomplish God’s plan for your lives.
- Maintain balance—dating cannot dominate life. Don’t allow dating to become a distraction from God-given priorities and responsibilities.
- Maintain active church involvement and discipleship.
- Get to know our family. “You are welcome in our home and at our table.”
- If at any point you realize that a future marriage is unlikely, that’s okay. End the relationship quickly and like a man, not via text or a phone call.
3) You Must Treat My Daughter the Way I Treat My Daughter
That means:
- Open doors (including car doors).
- Pray before meals.
- Pay for meals.
- Come to the door when picking her up (my girls don’t respond to honks).
- Walk her to the door when dropping her off.
- Bring an umbrella if it’s raining.
Ultimately—be a gentleman. I’m old-fashioned like that. (And, honestly, I’m bummed anyone considers this “old-fashioned.”)
4) You Must Protect Her From Harm
- Don’t use your phone while driving.
- Don’t put my daughter in unsafe circumstances or places.
- Step in, as I would, should protection be necessary.
5) You Must Guard Her Heart—and Yours
These rules might seem legalistic—but they’re not. They’re guardrails.
Guardrails exist for one reason: safety. Civil engineers don’t put up guardrails because they expect everyone to crash; they put them up because even good drivers drift. A guardrail doesn’t keep a car on the road—it simply keeps a moment of drifting from becoming a life-altering fall off a cliff.
Likewise, sexual purity needs some healthy guardrails—hence, these boundaries. If someone bumps a guardrail, it’s a warning: we’re not on the road anymore. We need to make a correction before “a little off” becomes “way off.”
Some families will set these guardrails in different places than we have, but our goal is simple: protect what’s precious, avoid situations that compromise obedience, and make it easier to do what’s right when emotions are loud and wisdom is quiet.
Here are the guardrails that I share with the young man (and my daughters later) at this initial sit-down:
- You must seek to honor God in your relationship
- Date in public places
- Chaperoned or group dates (until age 17)
NOTE: This is our boundary… some think it’s too strict, so you do you. - Home visits are only allowed if a parent is home and “present.”
- No bedrooms, closed doors, sharing blankets, or parked cars
- Feet on the floor — no laying down cuddling together. I don’t care how tired you are, dude.
- Hands stay on hands, shoulders, and waists
- If you wouldn’t do it in front of me, don’t do it at all
- Respect her “no”
- Be intentionally selective in shows and movies you watch together
- Avoid situations that make any of the above guardrails difficult to follow
6) Your Parents Must Be On Board
I let the young man know that I will be reaching out to his parents and that they must be willing to uphold these same expectations in their home.
“We will be inviting them over—not just to talk rules, but to build relationship.”
Ending the Conversation
Assuming this young man is a follower of Christ and is willing to honor our family’s boundaries, I’m happy to give him my blessing to ask my daughter if she’s interested in dating him (or, depending on the situation, to ask again). From there, the decision is theirs.
My words, at this point, sound something like this…
“These expectations are not meant to restrict joy—they’re meant to protect futures. One day, God-willing, both of you will stand across from your future spouses at weddings. Whether or not that future includes each other is still to be determined.”
“My prayer is that when that day comes, you will enter that covenant with integrity, joy, and obedience—exactly as God designed.”
“So please… Don’t mess it up.“
And then, I like to slow down and pray with him. I’m intentional about asking God to shape him into a godly man—one who’s ready to carry the responsibility that comes with pursuing a young woman with integrity. I pray that God would give him wisdom throughout the dating process, and that the Holy Spirit would strengthen him to guard his own heart while also protecting the hearts of others.
After a strong handshake and a reminder of my appreciation, I get his phone number so that I can text him a written version of these expectations.
And then, off he goes into the scary world that is finding a spouse…
Last modified: February 16, 2026
