Not to Brag… But I Think I Have a Pretty Awesome Marriage

Not to brag… but I think I have a pretty awesome marriage. If not that, at least a really awesome wife. Like, for reals, y’all.

Melissa and I have had the honor and privilege of spending time with other couples in different seasons: those just falling in love, those standing at the altar full of hope, those quietly wondering if the altar was a mistake, and those holding hands at a bedside, whispering goodbye far sooner than they ever imagined. These ups and downs and all arounds… we’ve seen them all.

Below, I have compiled some things that we have learned over our 23 years of marriage. These rhythms have been a gift to us, and our hope is that they might serve as a gift to you, too. I wish I could say all of this came naturally. It didn’t. Much of what’s written below was either taught to us or learned the hard way.

Take what helps.
Leave what doesn’t.
Every marriage is unique.

1) Always Be Looking Forward—Together

Healthy marriages share a forward pull. Always have something ahead of you—something that belongs to both of you. Always be looking forward to something together. A vacation, a goal, a concert, or just a simple overnight away… always have something on the calendar that brings excitement. Here’s why… Anticipation builds unity. And before you check that thing off the list, make sure there’s another one waiting to take its place. Hope is powerful thing – it’s even better when you are hoping together!

2) Date Each Other (No Really)

Dating isn’t a phase—it’s a discipline. Make it a non-negotiable. It doesn’t have to be long or expensive or elaborate… you don’t even need to leave the house. What matters is intentional time that says, You still matter to me.

Our suggestion is a minimum of twice a month, though weekly is best.

PRO TIP: Tuesdays are rad because you’ll find the best deals at restaurants and entertainment venues. That one’s on the house.

3) Set Vision, Not Just Plans

This might seem like the same as the first one, but it goes deeper. At the beginning of each year, Melissa and I schedule a one-night overnight where we get away and ask God to reveal His will to us.

We pray.
We listen.
We ask God to show us His vision—for our marriage, our family, our faith, our finances, our home.

We talk honestly. We guard against defensiveness. We work toward agreement — we agree to a handful of things that we’re both committed to in the year ahead. Vision aligns hearts.

And then, we take advantage of that hotel room (wink, wink).

Here are a few samples of our goals for this year…

• Devos with Physical Bible (instead of digital)
• Two Blog Posts per Month (Matt)
• Consistent Morning Routine
• Get Better at Guitar (Matt)
• Learn Spanish (Melissa)
• 1/4 Date Nights is Something Completely New
• Family Photos
• Redo Front Flower Beds

You get the idea…

4) Have a “Thing” That’s Yours

Every couple needs a shared language—something that belongs uniquely to you. It can change over time, but it’s always good to have something that is yours together. The Orioles? Great! Escape rooms? Perfect. Coffee before breakfast? Not a coffee guy, but if dirty water works for you… go for it!

Shared joy creates glue. When life gets heavy, that “thing” becomes a lifeline back to each other.

5) Go to Bed at the Same Time

If your schedules allow it, protect this rhythm. Ending the day together matters more than we realize. Those moments of closing your day together (maybe in prayer), that goodnight kiss, and throw in a little spooning (even if just for a few minutes if you like your space) and you’ve brought a tremendous amount of peace into each other’s minds and hearts. A few minutes of closeness—even quiet closeness—will bring greater rest.

Put the phone down…
Put the book down…
Put the remote down…
…at some point and clock out together.

This leads me to my most controversial suggestion…

6) Swap the King for a Queen

Some of you will hate this. That’s okay. It changed our marriage.

Before you shun me, listen…

Less space = more closeness.
More closeness = more touch.
More touch = …you know where this is going.

There are times where I feel that accidental brush of a leg against mine and immediately I’m like, “Yeah, I’m in!”

It may not be for everyone—but if intimacy has cooled, this is a simple, physical way to invite warmth back in. Your sex life will thank me later.

7) Let Your Kids See Your Love

We recommend lots of PDA. Make sure your kids see what love, expressed outwardly, looks like.

Be affectionate.
In front of your kids.
On purpose.

We hear “gross” at least daily, but know that, “I can’t wait to have a husband who loves me like that,” is what they’re really saying. A child who never wonders whether their parents love each other carries less anxiety into the world.

Make sure your kids know where they fall on the pecking order so that one day they won’t settle for a spouse that doesn’t prioritize them the same way. Hand holding, couch cuddling, butt smacks, and maybe even a few make-out seshes will do more than you think… a child who doesn’t need to question their parents’ love for each other is significantly less likely to struggle with anxiety.

8) Be Old-Fashioned on Purpose

This one is for the dudes… It may seem old-fashioned, but this is a game changer that shows your wife how much you adore and honor her.

Open her door.
Walk on the traffic side.
Carry the heavy things.
Lead with gentleness and strength.

These acts aren’t about superiority. They’re about intentional honor. These small acts communicate value, protection, and intentional love in powerful ways.

9) Take Communion Together

One of our most sacred habits is sharing communion together. Melissa and I only grab one cup on the way into services and we break the bread in two and share the cup as well. In the quiet of our seats, I lead us through this time and we take communion from the same cup.

It’s a weekly reminder that our marriage is rooted in something deeper than feelings—it’s anchored in Christ.

Plus, it cuts down on the church’s communion costs!

10) Be One Financially

Marriage is oneness. Financial separation quietly undermines that reality.

Financially, everything is “yours” together. Gone are the days of “hers” and “his.” You are one in Christ, and all of that separate stuff needs to go away.

If you have separate bank accounts, separate bills, separate whatever, this doesn’t reflect the oneness that you are called to. In fact, it often feels more like a rebellion against oneness—or a safeguard in case “things don’t work out.” These don’t foster unity. They protect independence.

Make financial decisions together. Don’t compare paychecks… you each serve different roles, and it’s okay if there is a primary breadwinner.

And that debt? Regardless of whose name is on the bill, it’s both of yours now. Get on the same financial page and figure out how to crush that debt together.

11) Budget Like You Mean It

You’ve probably heard it said, “Failure to plan is planning to fail.” This is certainly true in marriage when it comes to finances! Did you know that most marital conflict traces back to financial stress? A budget isn’t restrictive—it’s freeing.

And don’t just have a budget… stick with it. Melissa and I use a great tool that tracks how much we can spend in each category and allows us to “hide” money for financial goals and other things.

12) Stay Out of Bad Debt

Stay out of bad debt. You don’t need a new car—ever. And if you must have one, unless your monthly payment is less than 8% of your monthly income, you can put 20% down, and afford to pay it off in three years… you have no business buying new. This is an example of bad debt.

And, credit cards? If you don’t immediately pay them off…really bad debt. Stop spending more than you earn. It might be great for current you, but future you will think you’re a jerk. Future you is a kind person—don’t do that to them.

If you are in debt, take Financial Peace University or meet with a financial planner and map your plan out of debt. Freedom is possible!

13) Understand the Root of Every Argument

Every argument stems from disappointment, which stems from an unmet expectation.

Once you understand this, you can get to the root of every argument you have in your marriage and tackle it in a healthy way.

What expectation was unmet?

Once you know the answer to this question, you can explore whether that expectation was reasonable and fair—or unrealistic—and make adjustments for the future. And if you still can’t agree on those expectations…

14) Ask for Help Early

Get help when needed. Don’t do the hard seasons alone. Have people in your corner who stand for Biblical truth and will hold you to your vows instead of encouraging you to break them.

Hard seasons don’t mean failed marriages—but isolation often does. Invite wise, biblical voices into your story. People who will call you higher, not encourage escape.

Counseling isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom.

15) Dance

This world is broken. It’s full of minefields ready to trip you up at every turn. Our strategy—since we have Jesus (who ain’t afraid of this stinkin’ world)—is to dance like nobody is watching.

So dance.
In the kitchen.
In public.
With music.
Without music.
…none of that matters.

Men, when I dance with my wife in public (especially when there is no dance floor), I am telling my wife that I love her and that I don’t give a flip who knows it.

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Let’s Get Intimate for a Moment…

16) Don’t Let Intimacy Wane

I’m not going to embarrass my wife here with details that are none of your business, but I think it’s worth sharing what we’ve learned over time about a healthy sex life. Intimacy matters—deeply.

While every couple and season of life is different, we have learned that sexual intimacy is crucial in a healthy marriage. If this is missing—or feels off—talk through this ASAP. Silence breeds distance.

On average, a healthy marriage enjoys sex 2–3 times per week. It’s not a rule—it’s a gauge. While there are certainly seasons that this might not be possible, this knowledge can help you determine if your expectations or needs are reasonable. Are you in a season, or a new unhealthy normal?

And if your sexual intimacy feels rote or boring, I recommend the “In-Bed” edition of The Adventure Challenge. This book contains scratch-off suggestions that challenge you to explore intimacy (and each other) in new, fun, and healthy ways.

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Well… those are the things that quickly come to mind.
What about you? Do you have some suggestions to share with Melissa and me (and others)?
Please share them in the comments below.

Have something to add or push back on? I’m all ears. Let me know in the comments.